Revival Page 19
He wasn’t ever going to have it. He had his brother, and he had his father’s legacy, and he had this company.
He was a James, and he had a lot, but that came with responsibilities and burdens. It came with certain things that just wouldn’t go away.
He had a lot. He couldn’t have everything.
***
“What’s wrong, Baron?” Leila asked.
The girls were in their room, playing with their castle and dogs before bed, and Baron had been about to leave to go back to the office.
He shook his head.
“Well, something’s wrong. I’m not an idiot, you know. Are you thinking about Steven?”
He looked down at her beautiful, concerned face, never wanting anything in his life more than he wanted her. But his world had already infected her. Steven had used her as a weapon against him. Baron couldn’t even go to a movie without being pulled away by work pressures.
It wasn’t ever going to stop.
“Baron, you’re scaring me. What’s going on? Did something happen with Steven?”
“No,” he managed to say. “It’s not Steven.”
“Oh.” She had her hands on his chest in a comforting gesture, but now they tightened into fists in his shirt. “Is it something else?”
He could see on her face that she had absolutely no idea. She just wanted to know so she could help.
“Yeah.”
“Is it…is it us?” She looked confused rather than anxious.
He took a slightly shaky breath. “Yeah.”
“Oh.” She’d obviously not expected an affirmative answer to her question. Her face paled as she processed his response. “I thought things were going well. I know it was upsetting about what Steven did, but there’s no reason to let it be a problem between us. Right?” Something had changed on her face, like she’d emotionally taken a step back.
“It’s not just that. It’s everything. I…I have too much to deal with right now, and I’m not sure the…the timing is right.”
“What do you mean?” Her shoulders had stiffened, but otherwise she hadn’t reacted.
He’d been afraid she’d look heartbroken or that she’d start to cry. He was sure she didn’t want them to break up. But she didn’t look broken at all—just oddly stiff and cool. “There’s so much going on in my life right now. I’m just not sure I have the emotional…the emotional energy to focus on a serious relationship.”
There. He’d said it. And it was absolutely the truth.
He just didn’t want to have said it. He didn’t want it to be the truth.
“Oh.” Her voice cracked on the one word, but she still wasn’t close to tears. She took a step back from him. “Oh.”
His chest tightened so dramatically he couldn’t breathe for a moment, but after this was over, he’d have less pressure, less responsibility, less to worry about. In the long run, it would help. “I’m sorry to do this.”
“I know.” She stared at a spot on the wall like she was frozen. “I guess I can understand.”
“It’s not you,” he said in a rush, as a wave of guilt overwhelmed him. “You know I think you’re great. You’re…amazing. It’s just bad timing.”
“Okay.” She finally met his eyes, and they looked so strange—their feeling masked in a way he didn’t recognize. “It’s fine. I mean, I’m a little disappointed, but it’s fine. I know how much you have going on in your life.” She paused. Then seemed to push herself into asking, “Are you sure it’s a good idea to make your whole life about work?”
For some reason, her question angered him. It wasn’t about work. It had never been about work. He’d thought she understood him better than that. It had always been about family. “My life isn’t all about work.”
His cold tone made her take another step back. “Okay. Sorry.” She cleared her throat. “Well, if you don’t think we can be serious, then we shouldn’t hang out at all. It would be too confusing for the girls.”
“I know.”
He did know that. He knew he couldn’t see her or the girls anymore. He’d known what it would mean.
But he’d thought it would matter more to Leila than it evidently did.
It felt like his heart was being gnawed out of his chest, but she looked…a little disappointed.
He hadn’t been sure when he’d started this conversation, but he was sure now.
“Okay. Well, thanks for everything.”
“Yeah. You too.” She stared up at him from behind her little glasses, and she held her shoulders with a stiff kind of pride.
Not the generous softness and intelligence that had always been her.
It felt like something was lost from the world.
Without thinking, he leaned down to kiss her but stopped himself just in time. “Take care, Leila.”
“You too.”
“Tell the girls…bye for me.”
“Of course.”
And that was it. He’d made his decision. His father would be proud.
Baron walked out of her door for the last time.
Thirteen
Leila managed to hold it together until she closed and locked the door behind Baron’s retreating form.
Then she stood for a moment, her back to the door, her entire body shaking with emotion, her forced composure slowly starting to crack.
When the reality of what happened finally slammed into her, she started to choke on silent sobs, bending at the waist from the weight of them.
She’d been stupid. Nothing but stupid. To believe Baron James would fit himself into the life of her and her girls for any length of time.
She’d known all along she needed to be careful, but she’d fallen for him anyway. She’d let herself believe.
She wasn’t any smarter than the twelve-year-old girl with braces who’d written him a sappy poem.
Now she’d have to deal with the consequences of her stupidity. And so would her girls.
The reminder of her daughters forced her to straighten up and breathe over the emotion that strangled her. She couldn’t break down. They were still awake.
She had to be a good mother to them.
She cleared her throat and went to their room, where she found them coloring on their table.
“You need to get to bed, girls.” Her voice sounded strange, but they didn’t seem to notice.
“We made a picture for Mr. Baron.” Charlotte held up a page on which they’d drawn two elephants and colored them with pink and red. “Can we give it to him?”
“He’s already left.” She almost lost it again at the thought of having to explain to her daughters that they wouldn’t see Mr. Baron again.
“Can you give it to him later?” Jane asked, handing the page to Leila.
“Okay. Now run brush your teeth, get in your pajamas, and get into bed. You have three minutes before I come in to kiss you goodnight, so let’s see if you can do everything that quick.”
Jumping to the challenge, the girls ran into the bathroom.
Leila took the colored page into the living room, staring down at the childish drawing she held in a shaking hand.
Suddenly, she was determined that Baron should have this. He should see—in concrete, crayoned detail—everything he was giving up.
He’d just left a minute ago. Maybe she could still catch him.
As she opened the door, she realized it was a silly thought. His driver would have been waiting at the curb. He’d be long gone by now.
She stepped outside anyway, just to check, and she was shocked to see the shiny black car still idling on the street.
Baron was on the phone, standing in front of the opened back door, obviously too distracted by his call to even get into the backseat.
She felt a sob rise in her throat at the sight.
He was so strong, so handsome. Everything about him was expensive. And he was so incredibly exhausted. She could see it in the hunch of his shoulders.
She wanted to love him. She wanted to take care of hi
m. She wanted to help lighten his load.
But he would never let her.
His eyes widened as he saw her, and the hand holding his phone lowered slightly.
There was something strange about his expression, like he was expecting, waiting for something.
In a rush of realization, she knew what it was.
He thought she’d run after him to beg him to stay, to beg him not to leave her.
He thought she was that same girl who’d written him a poem.
She straightened her shoulders and controlled her expression. Then she calmly walked over to hand him the colored page. “The girls wanted to give you this.”
Her throat ached with each word, but she didn’t think he could tell.
She would never let him know how crushed she was, how much she’d hoped he might be hers.
She wasn’t that little girl anymore.
She should have known better than to build her hopes on an unattainable man, but at least she didn’t have to let anyone know she’d been so foolish.
Particularly not Baron.
He stared down at the picture, looking slightly dazed.
Then he looked up at her again.
She couldn’t stand that he was willing to turn his back on her and the girls, for no good reason that she could understand.
It felt wrong. It felt wrong in every way.
But it was his choice, and there was nothing she could do about it.
“I’ll let you get back to work,” she said, a rasp in her voice she couldn’t help.
Her back was straight, and steps were unrushed as she walked away from him.
She held her head high so the tears wouldn’t fall until she was safely inside.
***
She managed to get the girls to bed without completely falling apart, but then she got into the shower and broke down completely.
She sobbed for a long time, the water beating down on her skin. Afterwards, she got ready for bed and crawled under the covers, looking at the empty side of the bed where Baron should have been.
She’d told herself all along that she needed to be careful, that Baron wasn’t the kind of man who could be what she and the girls needed.
She wanted a stable, normal life for them, and he couldn’t offer her that.
She needed a man who was different than Rick, who would make different choices and have different priorities. And Baron was evidently not different enough.
She needed someone who would care about her and the girls more than anything else in his life.
Baron cared about her. And he cared about Jane and Charlotte. She was sure of it.
But he clearly didn’t care about them enough.
She tried to settle this reality in her head. The decision was made. There was no going back. In the long run, it was probably for the best.
But she kept thinking about him teasing her, building the castle with the girls, making love to her in the back of the car, holding hands with Jane at the movie theater earlier.
It felt like they’d been building a life.
And now that life was snuffed out.
She’d thought she’d cried enough in the shower, but the sobs rose up to choke her again.
“Mommy?”
The childish voice surprised her so much she jumped, turning over to see Jane standing in the doorway of her bedroom.
“What’s wrong, sweetie?” Leila managed to ask. “Can’t you sleep?”
“Mommy, why are you crying?”
“I’m not crying.” She was shaking helplessly, stifling the emotion she just couldn’t control. “There’s nothing for you to worry about.”
Jane came into the room and climbed into the bed. “I don’t want you to be sad, Mommy.”
“I’m not sad,” Leila lied, pulling her little girl into a hug. “Everything is fine.”
Everything wasn’t fine. The girls were going to have their hearts broken by another man. Just as painfully as hers was now.
And she had done it to them. Because she was still stupid.
She shook with more sobs that she tried desperately to control.
Jane squeezed her hard. “It’s okay, Mommy. Me and Charlotte love you. It’s going to be all right.”
The words were the same ones Leila always used when one of the girls was crying. There was no way to suppress the sobs now. Leila let herself go for just a minute.
She would be weak tonight, as long as she could be strong tomorrow.
Fourteen
Two weeks later, Baron was working late on another Friday evening.
He’d done nothing but work for the last fourteen days.
He was so tired he could barely keep his head up, but he didn’t dare try to sleep. When he closed his eyes, he would think about Leila and the girls, and that was simply an exercise in self-torture.
“Mr. James? Baron? Are you all right?”
Baron shook himself back into focus and met Howard’s eyes. The older man must have said something that Baron hadn’t processed, and he was now watching him in concern. “I’m sorry. What did you say?”
They’d been going over the situation with the will, since this was the first time he’d had time to talk to the lawyer at any length all week. There were a lot of details and various legal scenarios to play out, but the gist was that things were probably going to be dragged out for months or even years.
“You should go home and get some sleep,” Howard said, closing the file on his lap. “We can talk about this tomorrow.”
“No. I’m fine.” Baron wasn’t fine. Every part of his body ached, and his future lay before him as nothing but an endless series of bleak days. “Let’s finish this now.”
Howard didn’t open his file again. He just gazed at Baron with an almost paternal expression. “You know,” he said at last, “if you want, we can just give Steven what he wants.”
“What?” Baron stiffened in surprise.
“We can give him what he wants. He doesn’t want a share in the company, so he can do no damage to James Coffee. Your father’s assets will all belong to you eventually, and you can more than spare what he’s asking for. If you want to just be done with this, you can give him what he wants.”
Baron didn’t care that much about the money or property. This had never been about that. “You think we should just let him win? Let him get away with this gesture of…of pettiness and spite.”
“No. I don’t want him to win. But I’m worried about you. This seems to be eating away at you, in a way that isn’t healthy. And there comes a time when a defense simply isn’t worth it. Your father’s original will left the company with you but split his other assets evenly between you and Steven. I’m sure we can reach some sort of an agreement to—”
“But that’s not what Dad wanted.”
“No. It’s not. He was quite settled on changing his will. But if coming to some sort of settlement is better for you, then that’s what we should do. I’m sure your father wouldn’t want you to have a breakdown or a heart attack or—”
“I’m not going to have a breakdown or a heart attack. I am tired. It’s been a busy month. But I’ve got things under control.”
“Okay.” Howard still didn’t look convinced. “If you don’t mind my asking, what happened to your girlfriend?”
Baron swallowed and looked away. “It didn’t work out.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. It seemed like she was good for you.”
***
Howard left shortly afterwards, and Baron sent MaryAnn home too.
He didn’t go home, though. He sat at his desk, trying to clear out more email.
Sometimes he felt like, if he could just for once have an empty inbox, he would be back in control of his life again.
But there was never an end to the email. It always kept coming.
When his phone rang, he reached over to pick it up, ready to silence it, since he wasn’t in a fit mood to talk to anyone.
Then he saw who was calling.
“Hi, Baron. I hadn’t heard from you in a while, so I thought I’d call and bug you a little. How are you doing?”
“I’m fine.”
“You don’t sound fine. You sound like you’re sick or something.”
“I’m not sick.”
“Did I interrupt a night of debauchery or a series of wild, crazy stunts?”
He gave an ironic huff. It had only been a few months since his father died, changing his whole world, but he felt eons away from all of that now. “Not even close.”
“So what are you doing?”
“Working.”
“It’s Friday night. It’s after eleven there, isn’t it?”
“Yeah. There’s just too much to do.”
“Well, you sound like crap.”
“Thanks a lot.”
“Seriously, I can call tomorrow if you need to get home and go to sleep.”
“I don’t need to sleep.” Baron tried, and failed, to hide his impatience. “I’m fine. Why does everyone keep acting like I’m going to fall apart?”
“If everyone keeps acting that way, then maybe there’s a reason for it. I know your dad dumped a lot on you, and it might take some time to get used to—”
“I’ve been doing this for months now. I’m used to it. I’m fine.”
“Okay, okay. Don’t be so grumpy about it.”
“Sorry. How are you? How’s Lyons?”
“We’re both fine. We just got back from vacation in Tahiti, actually.”
“That sounds great.” At the moment, Baron couldn’t even imagine what vacation would feel like. “How long were you there?”
“Two weeks.”
“Lyons can take that much time off?”
“Yeah. He did a little work while he was there, but he managed to relax pretty well.” She seemed to be smiling. “And we have some news.”
“If you’re about to tell me you’re going to have a baby—”
“Yes! We’re going to have a baby! In five months.”
Baron smiled at the joy in her voice, although it made his own emptiness all the more gaping. “Congratulations. I’m really happy for you.”
“You don’t sound happy.” She sounded concerned again. “Baron, I know you thought…I mean, you wanted…”