Intimate Read online

  Twenty

  Caleb actually sputtered.

  He stood stunned for a moment, trying to orient himself to what had changed while he was in the shower.

  The flowers were a silly, clichéd gesture, but he’d wanted to do something to express how he was feeling, how committed he was to her and to their relationship.

  He’d thought Marissa had understood it. He’d thought they’d meant something to her. He certainly hadn’t expected for her to toss them onto the floor like that.

  Then he looked down at his phone, saw the last call, and realized exactly what had happened.

  Leaping immediately into crisis mode, he ran for the door and out into the hall in bare feet and wet hair, still wearing nothing but a towel.

  He caught her just as she was about to step onto the elevator. “Marissa. Marissa, wait!”

  He’d grabbed her arm, so she stopped, one of her hands holding the elevator door open. “What do you want?”

  “I want to say I’m sorry,” he burst out. “I want to explain.”

  Her blue eyes were wide and hurt. “Okay. Explain how you’ve been lying to me all this time.”

  “It’s not like that. I wasn’t trying to deceive you or anything. I just…at first, it was just a random idea of James’s. Nothing serious. But I knew you’d worry about the idea of me quitting the orchestra so I didn’t tell you. And then, when I really started to consider the jazz band, we were in so deep, and I didn’t know how to tell you. I’m so sorry, baby. I know it was stupid. It just never seemed like a big deal.”

  “Not a big deal? It was your career. Your life. If you aren’t happy in the orchestra, why wouldn’t you just tell me? I asked you over and over again. Why did you have to keep lying to me?” The elevator door continued trying to shut, and she pushed against it impatiently to keep it from doing so.

  He could tell she was angry, but that wasn’t anywhere close to the worst thing. She also looked betrayed.

  Like he’d betrayed her trust.

  Despite the urgency rolling through him, he had to acknowledge that she had reason for feeling that way. “I didn’t want you to worry.” She opened her mouth in an obvious objection, so he pressed on, bursting out with what he’d never intended to say. “I just didn’t want to disappoint you again.”

  Some of the simmering emotion faded. Her shoulders drooped as she leaned against the elevator door to keep it open. “Again?”

  “I know I’ve disappointed you before,” he mumbled, feeling awkward and vulnerable and naked. “I know I made a mess of my life in the past. I know how hard you had to work to help me get back on track. I didn’t want you to think it was happening again.”

  Tears streamed down her cheeks. He reached out to comfort her but stopped when she jerked away slightly.

  He continued, “I know you have this picture in your mind of who you want me to be, and I know that man has a stable job, like with the symphony.”

  She sniffed slightly. “So you don’t want to be that man? You don’t want to play with the symphony?”

  “Not really.”

  Sobbing for real now, she said, “I’m so sorry, Caleb. I’m so sorry if I made you think I wanted you to be someone different, that you thought you couldn’t tell me the truth. I love you for who you are—exactly who you are—and I never meant to pressure you into a box you just can’t fit.”

  He took a ragged breath, overwhelmed with emotion, vulnerability, and relief. She understood precisely what he meant and said it better than he ever could.

  “But that doesn’t mean it’s okay to lie to me.” She looked so small and hurt and helpless that he could barely resist the compulsion to take her in his arms.

  “I know. I was wrong. I’m not making excuses. I was just trying to explain.”

  Caleb’s neighbor across the hall came out just then, giving a start when she saw Marissa crying and Caleb in just a towel.

  He adjusted his towel, which had slipped lower down his hips, and Marissa moved out of the way so the other girl could get on the elevator.

  Before the doors slid closed, he noticed Marissa giving his neighbor a cold, narrow-eyed look.

  “What is it?” he asked, distracted briefly from the intensity of their conversation.

  “She was leering at you.”

  “What?”

  “That girl. She was leering at you.” Marissa curled her lip in obvious displeasure.

  He felt a strange wave of gratification as he realized her reaction was from possessiveness. Of him. “Well, I am only wearing a towel.”

  “That’s no excuse.” She wiped her face with the back of her hand, and her expression changed. “You were explaining?”

  “Yeah,” he said, trying to get back on track with his thoughts. “I’d already decided not to do the jazz band. It might be fun for a few performances, but it’s not the kind of music I want to do for any length of time. I was really just using the idea as…I don’t know. You know I’ve always had a problem with commitment, and I was starting to feel the strain of it. Having a different option on the backburner made me feel better. Like I wasn’t so trapped by this new thing between us. But I’m over that. I’m absolutely committed to you now. I want to be with you no matter what. I’d already turned down James about the band. I guess he told you that.”

  “Yeah. I guess I can understand about the commitment thing. We both got thrown into this, and it’s taken a while for both of us to really be ready for it. But…”

  “I know,” he said, when she didn’t complete the thought. “I won’t lie to you again.”

  “Please don’t.”

  He took a breath, wondering if it was okay now, if the worst of the crisis was over, if he wasn’t going to lose everything because of his stupidity after all.

  Then Marissa asked softly, “So you don’t really want to do the orchestra?”

  “No. I really don’t.”

  She didn’t reply immediately, and Caleb started to feel a sinking in his gut at the possibility that she wasn’t going to be okay with him not doing what she thought was best for him.

  Then finally, “Well, your contract ends in just a month or so. Maybe we…maybe you can find something that suits you better.”

  He stepped over and finally let himself take her face in his hands, cupping it like it was precious. “Maybe we can.”

  She smiled up at him wetly. “I’m still mad at you, you know.”

  “I know.”

  “And you really need to get back inside. You’re going to catch a cold with no clothes and wet hair.”

  And that was when he knew that everything was going to be all right.

  ***

  They went back to his apartment, where he got dressed and Marissa took a shower.

  That afternoon, they talked some more, trying to sort through some lingering issues in their relationship. Then Marissa took a nap and Caleb tried to pull himself together by playing the cello for a couple of hours.

  Marissa went back to her place before dinner, saying she had homework to do and that she also needed a little time alone, but they both knew something had been settled that day.

  Something that had changed everything.

  The following evening, Marissa invited him over to dinner again.

  She’d made a very romantic meal, and they ate by candlelight.

  Caleb tried not to get ahead of himself, but he couldn’t help but hope this was a very good sign.

  After dinner, they moved to the couch. They spent an hour or so, kissing and talking and slowly stepping up the heat.

  Then Marissa finally said what he’d been waiting to hear all evening. What he’d been waiting to hear for the last two months. “I want you to take me to bed now.”

  He swallowed hard and didn’t move—not the slightest twitch of a muscle. “Are you sure? I know things kind of fell apart yesterday and—”

  “They fell apart and then were put back together. I’m sure. I want this. I want you.” She stood up and gazed down
on him, her hair tousled around her shoulders, her eyes soft and affectionate. Utterly vulnerable. Utterly trusting him.

  Everything he’d ever wanted.

  “Oh, baby, I want you too.” His voice was huskier than he’d expected and, feeling suddenly like he was living one of his own fantasies, he stood up and then lifted her up into his arms.

  Marissa’s arms went around his neck as he carried her into her bedroom. “You’re going all out on the romantic stuff, I guess.”

  He chuckled and bounced her just slightly in his arms to adjust her weight. “You haven’t even begun to see how romantic I can be.”

  “If you get any more romantic than you already are, I’ll just melt away into goo.”

  “Then melt away.”

  He’d reached the bed, so he carefully laid her down. Her hands never released him, and she pulled him down on top of her. Kicking off his shoes, Caleb swung his legs up and kissed her deeply, making sure to take it very slowly.

  When he pulled away, she smiled sheepishly. “Seriously, Caleb, I’ve only ever had sex once and that wasn’t good at all. I’m afraid this might not be all that romantic or sexy. I am sorry about that and hope it won’t be too disappointing to you.”

  “Marissa, I don’t want anything but you—exactly as you are. There’s no way I’m going to be disappointed.”

  He was speaking the truth. He was realistic enough to know that this first time they couldn’t get swept up in some epic passion, but it didn’t matter. As long as he could please her. As long as she didn’t get panicked, repulsed, or hurt. As long as he could claim her body with his—sink into her after holding back for so long.

  As long as he was allowed to make love to her, nothing else really mattered to him.

  She rubbed his shoulders and then moved her hands to the top button of his shirt. “Well, you’ve got me. Exactly as I am.”

  “You’ve got me too.”

  Her face tightened with emotion, and she pulled him into a brief kiss.

  “Thank you for being so patient through this whole thing. A lot of men wouldn’t have done it.” She’d unbuttoned his shirt now, and she rubbed his chest, lightly scraping her fingernails over his nipples in a way that made him shiver.

  He was already erect from her little touches and from the sheer thrill of her lying beneath him in bed. He leaned down to slide his tongue over her lips. “It wasn’t that long, and you’re worth waiting a lot longer for.” Edging his hands under her back, he found the zipper to the sexy little dress she wore.

  Giggling, she raised her upper body to let him unzip her. “You’re saying all the right things tonight.”

  “Good. My plan is working.” Caleb finished undoing her dress and then pulled it down her body until he could drop it to the floor. She gazed up at him unselfconsciously, wearing a lacy black bra and panty set. He felt his erection throb at how delicate, lush, and tempting she appeared, the black a sharp contrast to the pale softness of her skin.

  “Everything all right?” he asked, his voice cracking slightly as he remembered this wouldn’t necessarily be easy for her.

  She chuckled and tugged at his belt. “So far, so good. Of course, you still have your pants on.”

  At her hint, Caleb got rid of the rest of his clothes. He watched her carefully as she gazed at his naked body and saw nothing but love and admiration in her eyes.

  He moved back over her on the bed and gave in to the overwhelming impulse to fondle her breasts. She sighed and arched into him in a well-known way, soon squirming with pleasure from his touch.

  Unfastening her bra, he pulled it off so he could have better access. Leaning down, he mouthed one of them, fluttering his tongue over the nipple until it tightened. As he suckled, he caressed the rest of her body with his hands.

  Intentionally keeping it slow, Caleb forced down his own urgency, and it wasn’t long until Marissa was moaning helplessly and clawing at his back.

  He loved her like this. Loved how much he could please her, how much she needed him. Despite his aching arousal, he was tempted to extend the foreplay even longer, just so he could hear her frantically gasp his name and feel her writhe wantonly beneath him.

  “Caleb, enough. You’re driving me crazy. I’m ready. Let’s get on with the show.”

  He pulled up and forced himself to pause to check on her. “You’re doing good so far?”

  She released a half-groan, half-laugh. “Yes. Still good. Except I’m about to explode.” She locked eyes with him. “I’m ready, Caleb. It’s finally time to do this.”

  Both relieved and exhilarated, he slid his hands down to her underwear. Hooked his fingers under the sides and slid them off. He could smell her arousal. Wanted to growl possessively at the scent.

  It was for him. Only for him. She was only for him.

  When she was as naked as he was, he slid his hand between her legs and felt how hot and wet his touch had made her. He considered bringing her to orgasm with his hand but changed his mind when Marissa closed her fingers over his painfully hard shaft.

  “I think you’re stalling. Are you starting to panic now?” Her tone and expression were teasing.

  “I’ll definitely let you know if I start to panic.”

  He wanted to grab Marissa’s hips and drive himself inside her, but he asked instead, “Do you want to try it on top. You’d be more in control, so maybe it would be easier for you.”

  She looked torn for a moment. Then said, “Okay. We’ll try it that way at first.”

  He was going to do whatever was best for her so, suppressing his urge to dominate, Caleb rolled over onto his back. Waited quietly for Marissa to make her move.

  He saw her take a deep breath, as if she was gathering her courage, but her face was clear and composed as she straddled his hips. She pulled her body up, beginning to poise herself above him.

  “You ready for this?” he asked one more time, trying not to get so wrapped up in his excitement that he forgot what she might need. “What can I do to help?”

  Her lip trembled slightly, the first sign she’d shown of nerves. “Yes, I am ready. But maybe you can help me get in the right position.” She shifted some above him, as if she was afraid her body wasn’t in the appropriate place. “I’ve never done this before.”

  Caleb reached down and helped her line his cock up at her entrance. “You’re not going to do it wrong. Just do whatever feels best.” Then he sucked in his breath because she was lowering herself over him.

  Then he bit back a groan of exquisite agony.

  Because he was inside her at last.

  He had to shut his eyes and move his head restlessly, willing himself to hold it together. She was unbelievably tight, like a hot, wet sheathe around him. And every instinct in his body was screaming at him to grab her, take her, let himself go and find the release his body had needed for so long.

  To claim her as his completely.

  Instead, he thought about art. About accounting. About the eighty-year-old arthritic receptionist who worked in the concert hall.

  And just barely managed to hold it together.

  Marissa hadn’t moved. Her hands were splayed out on his chest, and her eyes were closed as his had been a moment ago. She was tense—he could feel it—but she was obviously trying to keep her body relaxed. She hadn’t clenched up around his cock too painfully.

  “Baby?” he asked. “How is it? How does it feel? Are you all right?”

  “I’m okay. It’s been so long for me, and you feel really big, so it’s not super comfortable.”

  He fought to urge to buck up. “You’ll get used to it. Give it a little time. What do you need me to do?”

  “Just give me a minute,” she gasped, taking long, deep breaths. Her hands trembled a little on his chest.

  Silently, Caleb reached up to cup her breasts. Twirled the nipples gently in an attempt to distract her from the initial discomfort.

  “That’s nice,” she breathed, her head falling forward, her hair hanging over her
shoulders. “Keep doing that.”

  He played with her breasts for another minute until he finally felt her body relax. “Better?” he asked softly, forcing himself not to flip them over and start pounding into her.

  “Yeah.” She opened her eyes and looking fondly down at his face. “I’m sorry, Caleb. Didn’t I tell you this wasn’t going to be romantic or hot?”

  “Don’t let me hear that from you again. We’re doing great.” He scowled at her to emphasize his point.

  She patted his chest and actually chuckled. “Yeah, I see your point. I suppose when you compare it to weeks of forced abstinence, this might actually seem pretty hot to you.”

  “If I weren’t distracted by other things, I’d be furious with you right now. Stop worrying about this. Remember what I said about you always working toward some imagined idea of perfection. This doesn’t have to be perfect to be incredibly good. We’re finally having sex, aren’t we?”

  “Yeah. We are.” She smiled, obviously appreciating his words. Then she rolled her pelvis experimentally, in a way that made Caleb hiss with sudden pleasure.

  “You feel amazing,” he said breathlessly, lowering his hands to her hips. Trying not to squeeze the soft flesh too tightly.

  Marissa eased herself up and then back down, her face tensing with concentration. She tried it again, and his body twitched at the tight friction.

  He adjusted his hands on her hips and helped guide her motion, until they’d established a satisfying rhythm.

  Marissa was using her hands on his chest for leverage, and her legs were folded on either side his body, her thighs raising and lowering with her motion.

  Caleb moaned in pleasure at how his cock felt in her tight heat but willed his body to remain relaxed, not forcefully intensify their motion. His eyes, however, crawled hotly, aggressively, over her gorgeous body: her flushed face, jiggling breasts, lush hips, and the spot where he could see himself sliding in and out of her.

  He wanted to roar in satisfaction, in possession, in pride. But he made himself keep it together so that Marissa could get as much pleasure as he was. “Good, baby. You’re doing so good.”