The Mission Read online

  It wasn’t the worst thing in the world. He could certainly manage. It would be far better than fooling himself into marrying someone else and never being able to give her all of himself.

  “Keith?” Serena prompted when he didn’t reply to her question.

  He glanced over at her, blinking. “What?”

  “You didn’t answer.”

  “What was the question?”

  “If you still want to have a family, why don’t you do anything but casually date?”

  “I haven’t found the right person yet.” It was an easy answer. The kind people used all the time to foist off inconvenient questions. But he recognized his mistake as soon as he voiced the words.

  “That’s what I thought! That’s why I want to help. Why can’t I help you find someone who might actually be the right person?”

  Keith bit back a groan and weighed about a dozen options all in a few seconds. There were only two viable possibilities, however.

  He could tell Serena the truth about how he felt—and in doing so change their whole worlds.

  Or he could accept the help he didn’t want.

  “Fine,” he muttered. “You can try to help. But don’t expect a lot of success. If I can tell there’s no future, I don’t keep dating someone. It doesn’t seem fair. To either of us.”

  “That’s fine. But maybe you’re just not trying to date the right kind of people. I know you better than anyone in the world, don’t I?”

  “Yes,” Keith admitted. “You do.”

  “So I’m the best person to find a good match for you.” Serena was smiling and rubbing her hands together, clearly excited about the prospect.

  The excitement in her face made his chest heavy. His stomach sank.

  Sometimes he convinced himself that Serena wanted more than friendship from him too but had never opened herself up to the possibility. But if she’d had even the smallest interest in him in that direction, she wouldn’t be so happy to pair him up with someone else.

  She must not want him after all.

  Serena reached over and rubbed the back of his neck in a touch that surprised him. When he looked over, she explained, “It’s going to be fine, Keith. You don’t have to look like you’re going to your doom.”

  “It kind of feels like I am,” he said, telling her the truth. She didn’t have to know exactly why. “But if it’s that important to you, I’ll give it a try.”

  “Thank you! Although I bet by the end of the summer, you’ll be thanking me.”

  “I wouldn’t count on it.”

  “Well, I would count on it.”

  She was still rubbing his neck, and it felt so good he wanted to moan. When it started feeling too good, he adjusted position in his seat, causing her to drop her hand.

  “I want you to be happy, Keith,” she said in a very soft voice.

  He met her eyes, and his heart skipped again. “I know you do.”

  “And sometimes it feels like you might be a little... a little lonely.”

  He’d turned back to the road, but he shot a quick look at her at that. “I’m not lonely. I was as a kid. I know how it feels. I’m not lonely now.”

  “Maybe not. But it sometimes feels like...” She shrugged. “I don’t know.”

  Keith suspected he did know. She’d probably picked up on some of his silent longing and had misattributed it. He could hardly explain that to her, so he instead he said, “Everyone is lonely sometimes.”

  “Yeah. I guess so. But if there’s anything I can do to help you and make you happier, I’m going to do it. You know I will.”

  “Yes, I know you will.”

  “So this is what I’m going to do right now.”

  “I already said it was fine. If you want to try, go for it.”

  She made a face at him, very similar to the face her daughter had made less than an hour ago. “I will. I can hear the skepticism in your tone, but I’m going to ignore it because I believe in my cause.”

  “We’ll see.”

  “Yes, we will.”

  Serena getting the final word seemed to satisfy her on the topic.

  Keith was just relieved to let the subject drop.

  two

  SERENA INVITED KEITH to stay for dinner when they got home. He’d been a huge help to her today, and she always enjoyed his company.

  Plus she felt kind of weird about their interaction regarding dating, and she wanted to make sure things were good between them before they said good night. She’d had to work hard to build back a stable life after her divorce, and Keith was central to that stability. Nothing upset her peace and security like conflict with him.

  The three of them had a grand time making pizza (with premade crust), adding all kinds of creative and yummy toppings thanks to Keith’s ingenuity. They’d been working through all the Disney Princess movies, so they watched one of those afterward, all three of them together on the couch with Eva in the middle.

  Eva was happy and giggling when the movie was over, and she didn’t even object to it being her bedtime. As she ran off to change into her pajamas and brush her teeth, Serena smiled over at Keith, who was still slouched on the other side of the couch.

  He looked particularly big and warm and masculine as he stretched out his long legs and leaned his head back. He’d never been much of an athlete, and he was only semiregular about working out, but he was lean with good shoulders and a mostly flat abdomen. Today he was wearing worn jeans and a blue crewneck. The long sleeves were pushed up to his elbows, and her eyes were drawn to his tanned forearms. She wasn’t sure why she liked the look of them so much. The dark hair, the ripples of the tendons. He’d worn a watch for as long as she’d known him, and he was wearing one now. Basic black with a digital display. It slid slightly back and forth whenever he moved his arm.

  She knew him so well. She knew every scar and mole on his body—at least those visible in his regular clothes. She was suddenly hit with the vision of what he might look like without a shirt. Without anything on at all.

  “What is it?” he asked, his eyebrows arching. He had brown hair and brown eyes and the slightest little cleft in his chin.

  “Nothing.” She felt her cheeks warming for no good reason. “Just I’m glad you stayed tonight.”

  “Why wouldn’t I?”

  “I don’t know. You might have had plans. Or you might have still been a little annoyed about my attempts to aid in your love life.”

  With a slight roll of his eyes, he replied, “Your attempts are sometimes annoying, but I know you mean well.”

  “I do.”

  “So we can give it a try. What can it hurt? Line up the women, and I’ll make my way through them like bowling pins if will make you happy.”

  “I’m not trying to make me happy. I’m trying to make you happy.” She actually didn’t like the idea of women lined up to try to snare Keith. Attempting to make him theirs.

  He didn’t feel like theirs.

  He felt like hers.

  But that was silly and selfish and irrational, so she didn’t indulge the feeling. Instead, she reached out and put a hand on his forearm, just next to his watch. “I promise I am.”

  “I know you are,” he said with the slightest edge of roughness in his voice. “That’s why I’m willing to give it a try.”

  “Good.” She felt better now. Like whatever the lurking conflict might have been had been entirely dealt with.

  She was about to say something—she wasn’t even sure what—but she didn’t have the chance because Eva ran in just then wearing pink cotton knit pajamas decorated with unicorns.

  “Can Uncle Keith do my chapter tonight?”

  “If he doesn’t mind.” Serena glanced over at Keith to check his expression.

  He was already standing up. “Of course I don’t mind. What book are you reading now?”

  Eva scampered back to her bedroom, Keith following at a more leisurely pace.

  Every night since Eva was born, Serena had read out loud to
her. After Eva learned to read, they started taking turns, passing the book back and forth so they both could read out loud.

  It wasn’t an unusual activity, but it had become almost a ritual for them. On the few times Serena was out and had to miss Eva’s bedtime or when Eva was with her dad, it always felt like something was missing in her day.

  Keith had taken his turn at the nighttime reading several times before, and Serena chuckled as she heard the two of them talking about the book about fairies Eva was currently making her way through.

  After scrolling around on her phone for a few minutes, Serena got up and wandered down the hall to check on their progress. When she peeked into the bedroom, Eva was propped up on two pillows with her huge stuffed elephant tucked under the covers beside her. Keith was sitting on the chair next to the bed, leaning forward as he read, the book held in both hands over his knees.

  After a few minutes, Eva stuck out her hand in a silent demand, and Keith handed her the book so she could take her turn.

  Serena’s heart ached in her chest as she watched. She wasn’t sure why the little scene moved her so much. It wasn’t new or unusual or particularly sentimental.

  In fact, it felt familiar. Like a truth she’d always known that was only now coming to the surface.

  Eva’s big brown eyes followed the words on the page as she read, and occasionally they lifted to check and make sure Keith was listening attentively.

  He was. Of course he was. He spent more time with Eva and took her more seriously than the girl’s own father did. Lately Scott had been busy with his new girlfriend and only wanted one weekend a month with his daughter even though their agreement allowed him two.

  Just then, Keith glanced back over his shoulder as if he sensed her presence. He gave her a little smile—surprised and pleased—as if seeing her unexpectedly made him happy.

  Her heart squeezed with feeling as she smiled back. In a lot of ways, he was the bedrock of her life. She really wasn’t sure what she would do without him.

  “I’m reading,” Eva pronounced with a frown. “Not Mommy.”

  “Sorry,” Keith said, turning back quickly. “Just checking to see if she was spying on us.”

  “Why are you spying on us, Mommy?”

  “I just wanted to hear what was happening in the book. I’ll only listen a minute, and then I have to go do the dishes.”

  “Okay,” Eva said with great condescension. “You can stay for a little while.”

  Serena smothered a smile, and she could see Keith was doing the same thing. He made an impressive attempt to keep his face sober so only Serena knew he was laughing inside.

  After another minute, Serena’s heart became dangerously full, so she turned and walked back down the hall toward the kitchen. They’d left the pile of dirty dishes in the sink, and she hated to have them waiting in the morning, so she always did them the same night.

  She’d gotten through loading the plates and cups into the dishwasher and was working on the pizza pan when she sensed Keith coming into the kitchen behind her. “Is she reading?”

  “Yes. The timer starts at 8:06.” Keith moved beside her and picked up the pan she’d just rinsed so he could dry it.

  Eva got twenty minutes every night to read on her own before the lights went out, and they timed it down to the minute, so Serena appreciated Keith noting the exact time.

  “Thanks for spending so much time with her,” Serena said, nudging him with her elbow as she rinsed the cheese and grease off the pizza cutter.

  “I like spending time with her.” Keith sounded faintly surprised.

  “I’m glad. I’m really happy you’re in her life, especially since she only has an on-and-off relationship with her dad.”

  Keith snarled slightly and didn’t say anything. Keith held utter disdain for Scott, and it was no more than her ex-husband deserved.

  The only thing left to wash was the pan Keith had fried up some bacon in earlier. Both of them reached for it at the same time.

  “I’ll get it,” Keith said, trying to edge her out of the way.

  “No! You’ve already done more than enough for the day. I can wash the pan.”

  “I said I’d do it,” he grumbled.

  He was usually a laid-back, easygoing man, but he had a stubborn streak that arose unexpectedly. He wouldn’t back down, not even on this trivial issue, and they ended up having a silly little scuffle over the pan.

  He finally wrested it out of her hands and started to scrub it out while she huffed.

  She saw his lip twitching with suppressed humor as he did.

  Despite her defeat, she wanted to laugh in response to his expression. Instead, she took the sprayer from its position on the sink and sprayed water right in his face.

  He yelped and tried to grab the sprayer to get her back. They both ended up wet and laughing, and Serena fell against his chest as the amusement rippled through her.

  His arms had gone around her, and they felt strong and solid and safe. His chest did too. He smelled like dish soap and garlic and laundry. Her blood started to pulse in her veins as she was suddenly aware of his body, his humanness. How touchable he was.

  She straightened up before she did something stupid, and her breath hitched when she looked up and saw the expression on his face.

  His brown eyes were deep and full of emotion. Some sort of soulful feeling. It felt like yearning, longing, need, hunger, and it awoke a matching feeling inside her.

  They gazed at each other for a few endless seconds. His arms had loosened so that his hands were resting lightly on her hips. She had her fingers clutched in his shirt. She wasn’t sure how or why they’d gotten there.

  And she wanted him so much. Wanted him more than made any sense.

  She could feel her heart beating in her chest, her head, her hands. Between her legs. She knew she was flushed, and she could only imagine what the look in her eyes was at the moment.

  Hopefully it wasn’t conveying what she was feeling right now.

  That wouldn’t do at all.

  With a sudden flare of fear, she stepped back and dropped her eyes.

  “Serena.” Keith’s voice was thick and gruff. It made her shiver.

  “Keith, don’t.” She swallowed hard and fought against the surge of feeling.

  “Don’t what?”

  She wasn’t sure how to describe the moment before, but she tried. “Don’t look that way.”

  “I’m not sure I’m entirely in control of the way I look.” His voice wasn’t so textured anymore. It sounded almost gentle.

  “I know. But... but don’t look that way.” She was still looking down, but she heard him let out a breath.

  “How was I looking?”

  “Like... like...” Yearning. Longing. Like he wanted something desperately. “Like you’re not... not happy. Like you don’t have everything you want.”

  That wasn’t exactly right, but it was as close as she could articulate without curling up into a ball of mortification.

  “No one has everything they want, Serena.”

  “I do. I’m perfectly happy right now, and I’m really scared of messing it up. But I want you to be just as happy.” She finally had the courage to look up and see his expression. It wasn’t terrifying anymore.

  It was his normal clever, dryly amused self. “I’m doing pretty well for myself. You don’t have to worry about me.”

  His words were a relief, but the moment before had really rattled her. “I do worry about you. I can’t help it. I’m a worrier, and I care about you a lot.”

  “Well, I care about you too. And I think we’re both doing just fine as long as you don’t try to control how I look.” He made the words lighter by the slight quiver of his lips.

  She stuck her tongue out at him, but his comment had broken the tension completely. She gave him a quick hug and started the dishwasher and then went to kiss Eva good night and turn off the light.

  It was fine. Everything was fine. She and Keith were still g
ood.

  And a passing look didn’t mean that much. It could have been prompted by anything.

  It didn’t have to mean what she’d thought it might.

  It didn’t have to mean that at all.

  KEITH WENT HOME AFTER they’d said good night to Eva and turned off her light.

  He would have liked to stay. He would have liked to hang out with Serena. Talk or listen to music or watch TV or have a glass of wine. He didn’t want to leave her, and she certainly wasn’t pushing him toward the door.

  In fact, she’d asked him straight out if he wanted to stay for a while. Her eyes had looked gray in the lamplight, and her hair had been rumpled deliciously around her face. Her invitation had been sincere. She wasn’t secretly hoping for him to leave and give her some time alone. Nothing that had happened today—not even that awkward moment washing dishes when she’d clearly seen what he’d been trying to hide for so long—had changed the fact that she loved having him around.

  But Keith wanted to be with her right now so much that he knew it was a potential danger. She was too beautiful. Too sweet and smart and generous. Too Serena. And feeling the way he had all day would make it very difficult to resist the temptation.

  She didn’t want that. Not right now anyway. And he’d never push her in ways she didn’t want.

  So he told her he was a little tired and couldn’t help but be gratified by the disappointment on her face. He gave her a brief hug and a light kiss on the cheek and made his escape to his apartment next door.

  He closed the door behind him with a loud click. Then he locked the dead bolt for good measure. He stood staring at the medium brown wood for several seconds before he found the will to turn around and walk down his hall.

  He took off his clothes. Took a long shower. Jerked off under the spray to release some tension and tried not to imagine Serena’s face as he came.

  Afterward, he pulled on a T-shirt and pajama pants and got a beer from his refrigerator. He’d been trying to read a book about the building of the Brooklyn Bridge. Serena had given it to him a few weeks ago, and she’d asked a couple of times if he’d read it yet. The history and details were engrossing, but Keith’s mind was whirling too much from the day and he couldn’t focus on the sentences.